The Only Logical Option
by Val-Creative
Summary: "It is only advantageous that I take you on as my spouse," concluded Damian. /Smidgen of DickxDamian. Some lulz.


x.x.x

"—Furthermore, if you were to examine the chart of theorized outcomes I've compiled…" Damian slapped the end of his pointer stick to the face of the large, tacked bulletin board, adding on, "The only logical option to myself in not becoming "distracted" like Father had with _harlots_," the stick rose away from the left section of the board to tap and slide screeching over a collection of crudely drawn pictures: of a short, fat woman in a catsuit and then to a woman with a lasso,"or even women on a superior level to Mother's…"

_Tap! _another picture with better quality and shading resembling Talia al Ghul, "and so on…"

_Tap Tap Screeeech!_ over a crudely drawn muscled man with a cape and S-Shield and another with a man in a cowl with lightning earpieces, "is to take you on as my spouse," Damian concluded.

Dick remained hunched in his sitting position on the family room couch, elbows dangling over knees, and unable to tear his stunned gaze from the bulletin board. His voice cracked, "…s…spouse?"

"You are clearly the logical choice." Damian cleared his throat a little, tapping his stick to a small, hand-written list on the right-hand corner. "Identities have already been shared, you have at least _some _proficiency in combat, Father trusted you as a partner and I do not think ill of my Father's judgment regarding this since you have proven to me that you _can _be trusted, you have become more _tolerable _to deal with over the course of time…—" Dick often prided himself on his concentration and 20/20 vision and wished for a moment that it wasn't so keen when he observed beside the "-Agreeable Features" portion of the list: Something had been erased and smudged in a hurry. Something about 'pretty' and 'ass'. Oh…crap.

"—and quite honestly it is tiresome to patrol your bedroom each night knowing that my plans are not in full effect…"

Whoa.

"_Whoa_. Back up and rewind there, Little D!" Dick made a T-sign with his hands with a horrorstruck expression, asking, "You…do _what _in my bedroom?"

The eye roll Damian gave him was similar to what an annoyed babysitter would give a pleading toddler with an overactive sweet tooth.

"My duties as Batman's partner are to enforce his morals and protect his well-being, Grayson. If I were to allow enemies through the gates and into your bedroom window to dispose of you or to let some commonplace floozy to taint you further, it would interfere with the plans I've formulated."

Dick let the words process from his lips. "…_commonplace_…_floozy_…?"

He couldn't be… serious. But he knew when Damian was being serious. That determined, deep frown.

"I do not care for reproduction. There is no point. Women like Fatgirl or the alien freak are not appealing to myself." Damian closed the pointer stick back into its miniature form patiently between his palms, adding on with a grim, lowered voice, "When I am Batman, there will be no need to raise a family as it will only prove as a further distraction, and if a protégé is needed, I will take it upon myself to choose the _best _candidate." Dick leaned back into the couch, staring up at the younger boy who cleared his throat again and his cheeks colored somewhat.

"Seeing as you, Grayson, do not have female reproductive organs and there is a zero percent chance of the distractions I spoke of earlier occurring from any intercourse between us, it should prove advantageous to you as well seeing as your orientation permits enjoyment between men. Though I confess that I have not participated in any form of sexual intercourse, I _have _been genetically perfected for exceptional stamina and as such physical endurance and beauty. When I am of age, I shall have trained myself to be a suitable lover worthy of your experience."

Dick's eyebrows lowered to bunch together in genuine confusion as his jaw continued hanging open. How did Damian know that he…?

He blinked, blue eyes focusing back from their deep haze.

"I…think that…I…"

Damian sighed, rubbing a finger to his temple.

"I can see that this conversation was a bit too soon for you, Grayson. Perhaps my expectations for your cooperation and sensibility at this point in time were mistaken."

"…That's a bit harsh, don't you think?" Dick laughed weakly.

"I make observations based on fact."

Another weak laugh.

"Maybe it was a bit soon."

"Shut up, Grayson."

x.x.x

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><p><em>Repost from my LJ and my Tumblr. London on Tumblr is the one who inspired me to attempt to write lulz with creeper!adorable!Damian and I thank her bunches~<br>_


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